Did you ever have a role model in life, someone you look up to, and who makes you jealous?
I did.
In hs, I had this friend, popular blonde, very beautiful, and she was my best friend, and still is, to this day, but she is not the one - her older sister. Also a blonde, very beautiful, but since she is two years older than us, I always wanted to be like her, to attract men she does, to dress the way she does, act and conduct myself, like she does.
I wanted to be her.
By all objective standards, I do look good, some would argue very good, but I always felt that I came too short, comparing to her.
All this, pretty much ruined my sex life. My bfs were all, not good enough, since I couldn't imagine that she would be with them. Later on in life, all this is responsible for thousands of dollars, I left to my therapist, trying to get rid of this infatuation with her.
First stupid thing I did, was to have sex with her college bf. We had sex in his car. She somehow found out about his affair, and dumped him. I was 100% sure she knew it was me, but no, he actually had no idea that we were friends.
While we did it, I felt like her, and it gave me the best orgasm in my life.
After that, since, you figured out by now that we stayed close after hs and college (I was a maid of honor on her sister's wedding), she started dating this big guy, and it looked pretty serious. But men will be men, and after just a few signs I threw his way, he made his advance. We had sex for over a year. That was a great time, and the sex was amazing, once again. We did everything, anal, dress up, role play, everything. But, the catch was, that after a year or so, he told me he wants to leave her, for me.
That was the best feeling in the world, but... I panicked, and just cut any ties with him. Once again, I thought she will find out. No, he just left her, without any explanation.
That is the point in which I started therapy, and after some while, managed to distance myself from all that craziness. In the mean time, she met a man she later married.
I evaded her, and everything around her, until their wedding day. He was dreamy - tall, handsome, successful.
That day, I hooked up with the best man, just because he was his best friend, and it turned into a relationship.
For seven years, I was with this man, and I was thinking of another. That sent me into a spiral of sexual deviance (I am here, am I), and fantasy. Since he was his best friend, and I was a good friend of hers, we started spending lots of time together. I didn't wanna do anything, not even try - special thanks to my therapist - but it was just pouring out of me. We would go to vacations together, and I would, for instance ,sunbathe topless, in front of them, even though I never did that before. I would wait for the right moment, to ask him, when we were left alone, to rub in some sunscreen on me. Besides vacation, I would do similar stuff, just to point his attention towards me. He didn't even look at me, I was totally uninteresting to him.
After our evenings together, we would go home and have the greatest sex ever, all because I was thinking of him, while being with my bf. After a while, I even introduced a dildo in our sex, I was riding it, while sucking him off, or sucking it, while my bf fucked me, imagining that he was with us.
Somewhere along the way, in therapy, we realized that I have shifted my obsession from her, to him, fully. I started detesting her, hating her, with all the bad things going through my mind.
Then, one evening, he told all of us that he has some problems at work, and that he can't find a trustworthy assistant. Without thinking, I offered myself. Everyone loved the idea - who can he trust, if not one of his wife's closest friends.
Maybe a month after I started working for him, I dumped my bf. It was just me and him, all day long, my time is coming.
Only it didn't. I did all I could, wearing a short skirt, showing a glimpse of garters, only to be warned that I must dress more formally. Same happened with wearing no bra on a white shirt - not professional. I gave my best, but he just wasn't interested.
This went on for years, and years, and my sex life was non existent, residing on the web of fantasies, I was living off.
I met a man, from a nearby town, with whom I started having casual sex, and, I ended up pregnant. I found out early, two weeks in. Told him, and he asked me to move in with him, asking me to marry him. I said yes, without thinking, but after further insight by my therapist, we all agreed, it was the only way for me to heal, and that that would be possible only if I go as far as possible, and cut all of them out of my life.
I have announced the news to them, gave in my two weeks notice, and they were both happy for me. She asked me to promise that we won't become strangers, and that we will visit each other.
The last day in the office, he stayed late, so did I. When I entered his office, he was surprised that I haven't left sooner, and I said something like "not without saying goodbye".
He stood up to hug me, and I kissed him. He backed off, surprised, but when I tried it again, he did the same.
Couldn't beleive it! After all the bending over, teasing, unbuttoned shirts, he didn't even get it. I grabbed his crotch, and he was hard as hell, so I just got on my knees, and started unbuttoning him. I didn't plan on kissing him, it just happened, but this, in my crazy logic, I wanted to leave him no choice, because, what man would refuse that from a beautiful woman.
He was holding one of my hands, but I put his cock in my mouth. He said something like, "no, please", but then I started thrusting hard, swallowing it all. At that point he gave in, and enjoyed.
I was so wet, I thought I would leave a puddle on the floor. It was surreal. When he came in my mouth, I swear to God, I came, handsfree, fully dressed.
He looked like he got tossed around by a hurricane.
"What a hell was this?"he finally asked.
"Nothing you should worry about, I am moving and getting married."
And that was the end of it. Two days later, we moved, and I never saw them again. It has been more than five years. She called me a couple of times, but I didn't answer, and after a while she got the message.
I have healed. This confession is kind of a burden dumping, since I can't tell this to anyone else, except my new therapist. I still have leftovers from that life, I visit this place, and there is a dildo in our bed room, but his face is not there any more.
I understand that this can be a bit overwhelming, but it is what it is. You can judge me, I get that, many poor choices are behind me, but are we even human, if we have none of those.
