Fucked around and found out: Lost my Fiancé to another woman.

I'm devastated, but its literally my own fault. I suppose this is a cautionary tale.
I dated my now ex fiance for 5 years, got engaged in the last two years of the relationship. She was everything to me, my world - I've never known a woman that compares to her and probably never will. Her beauty is stunning, her personality was so soft and gentle, passionate, passive - we agreed on damn near everything - liked the same things, disliked the same things. We'd laugh, cry - barely have any arguments, and if we did argue it would always be settled by sitting down and discussing our feelings. It was the perfect relationship, but I fucked it all up.

Sometimes she'd make comments about other women, "she's got big tits and look at that ass...."
We'd check out ladies together sometimes, and at about the second year of our relationship she confesses, "I think I'm bisexual... I don't want you to feel threatened by that, in fact it might be to your benefit..."
Well I was a bit stunned, and I did feel threatened but I loved her so much that I just shrugged it off and was like, "hey, I'm here for you because I love you babe!"
Well eventually I started looking at other women, and imagining them with my fiance. I'd even point at the woman and tell her, "you'd fuck her wouldn't you."
She'd laugh, "maybe..."
And perhaps I got a little annoying with it, but I just wanted her to live her best life. We'd sit down and talk about perhaps having a threesome with another woman just so she could experience it.
"You know, I love you, and it's fine I really don't need to be with anyone else - I don't really want anyone else because I don't want it to come between us in our relationship," she confessed to me.
A few weeks ago, we were at a friendly get together. There was this woman who was chatting up my fiance, and they were both getting pretty drunk - so was I. Of course they both started talking about sex. The woman (we'll call her Susan) was talking about selling sex toys as a side gig and they started discussing their favorite toys. Not big deal, it was kind of hot.
As the night continued on, so did the drinking. Lots of people left and we were almost the only people left at this get together so we started feeling a bit awkward like "well it's time to leave."
So my fiance invited me Susan for a night cap back at our place. Susan accepted and we left. Susan drove her own car, and my fiance was with me. My fiance was tipsy, and started talking about how attractive Susan was, and that she wouldn't mind fucking her.
She reached over and started massaging my cock through my pants as I drove an then unzipped my pants, pulling out my cock and she started giving me road head. I was turned the fuck on.
We got back to our place and we all went inside, I got three beers out of the refrigerator and sat down next to my fiance.
Susan was flush and chugged the beer pretty quickly.
"Two girls sharing a double dildo is fun, but two girls sharing a cock is better... nice warm meat pulsating inside you..." Susan started telling my girl.
"You down to fuck?" My fiance asks, looking at me, then back to Susan. Susan blushed, and winked at my fiance.
My fiance gets up and walks over to Susan and starts kissing her, passionately. Soon enough all of their clothes are on the floor and they're both completely naked. My fiancé's fingers are inside Susan and they're both moaning. I'm like - fuck it, might as well get naked and start fucking.
So I get behind my fiance's perfect ass and she's wet as fuck, bent over licking Susan's cunt and I slide my dick right inside her and start pumping.
"Oh, let me get some of that dick too," Susan moans as my fiance eats her out. My fiance freezes. It hits her that I'd be fucking this woman too.
She looks up at Susan, then back at me, "sure..."
My fiance moves forward so I have no choice but to pull out of her tight little pussy. Susan hops down from where she is sitting and pushes me down and starts sucking my cock, my fiance joins her, licking my shaft, and they take turns giving me head. Then Susan mounts me as she's kissing my fiance, and my fiance mounts my face. I'm eating out my fiance, while Susan grinds on my dick. They're both moaning and my wife cums hard on my face as I lick her clit. Susan starts shaking, my fiance is fingering her clit as she rides me, and Susan erupts and orgasms on my dick. She topples off me, still convulsing.
"Fuckkkk, he's good. That's some good dick," Susan moans.
My fiance flashes me a look, almost like she was mad, but I just shrugged it off an grabbed my fiance by the hips and started fucking her. I emptied deep in her, I always did. This time seemed different. This time my fiance seemed like she was somewhere else. She was jealous, she was mad.
Susan licked my fiance's pussy after I came in it and eventually Susan passed out on the couch, naked.
My fiance got a cover for her and we both stumbled off to bed.
No cuddling, nothing. She was being very cold. I thought, maybe she's just drunk I'll find out more in the morning.
We woke up and Susan was gone. My fiance was giving me the silent treatment.
"Let's talk about what happened."
"I need some space."
I gave her space.
Weeks went by and our relationship was never the same. Eventually I'd find out that she had Susan's number and she would secretly meet her when I was at work. Susan was pushing my fiance to leave me. Eventually she did. My fiance left me for Susan, and moved in with her.
I eventually had a very long talk about what happened with her... and it was the most heart breaking event I've ever had in my life.
She wasn't jealous of me fucking Susan. And for her that was a turning point. She was jealous because she wanted Susan and she didn't want me there. She was jealous of Susan giving me attention instead of giving her attention. It's at that point she knew she liked women more than she liked guys. It was an epiphany to her, the entire experience changed her views on her own sexuality.
I cried, I begged... but it was over. The most beautiful woman in the world to me, my best friend, my partner in crime walked away from me. This devastated me of course. Lots of bullshit goes through your head when you're depressed - and it's not good. So I went to therapy, and it's working.
I don't believe I'll ever find someone like her, so I've actually sold a lot of my belongings and have booked a flight to India. Why India? Because I need some spiritual growth. I'm not telling her I'm leaving the country. I'm not even telling my own family. I've been in contact with a Buddhist monastery - and I think that's the path I need to be in for a few years. I just need some solace and reflection. My flight leaves tomorrow... and I have only one regret, that I didn't stop the threesome from happening. Yes. YES - I do know that she probably would have eventually found someone else and left me, but the mind (at least my mind) will always come up with "what ifs" and try to comprehend various scenarios. It's a coping mechanism.
I'll always love you, Maria. That will never change. In my mind I see flashes of us being happy, of our marriage, having children, being us... that will never change either. You are free.
Sometimes you win, sometimes you lose. I lost.

I am looking for as many opinions as possible, from anyone. I am not a police officer nor do I have any connections to law enforcement or any governmental agency. I am a private citizen doing research on a subject. I am not here to judge you, sting you, rat on you, whatever. I don't care if you are a sex offender, someone with fantasies, or someone who is completely against the taboos discussed in this topic. I am a former student in Criminology (the study of criminal behavior). My younger brother is a convicted sex offender, sentenced to spend at least another 15 years (his offense was non-violent, and there was no actual victim involved- he was surfing chat rooms for adult porn. Another user sent him a hard drives worth of old that flooded his whole comp with viruses that caused a whole bunch more old to come in automatically. The perp also attached viruses that took screenshots of the hard drive, including credit information, then ripped my brother off while he was in prison. One of the old files had an attachment courtesy of the FBI that ended up screwing him). Due to his case, I took an interest in so called "sexual deviants" and the studying of paraphilias. For one assignment, I had to choose an offender to interview. The instructor put up a list in the class with no information, just a number. At the end of the class, the number we chose from the list was the number file the instructor gave to us. That way, we did not know anything about the offender we were to interview prior to us choosing the case (I guess this way those that were squeamish could not avoid the assignment, and those that were way too interested in the subject could not choose a specific offender they were interested in. We had to work the case, no matter what. My subject seemed to be rather normal- he was a former intern for a doctors office that treated convicted sex offenders and broken families that had been hurt through domestic violence, rape, pedophilia, molestation, etc. During his employment, it was discovered he was stealing case files from the office and using them as masturbatory materials. After several months of lifting files from the office and fantasizing, he decided to act on the fantasy. He began dating a woman with young toddler age children, and gain their trust. One day while his girlfriend was at work, he hit her two year old daughter so hard that her brain severed itself from the spinal cord due to severe whiplash. She remained the rest of her life on life support in a hospital in a coma, as a vegetable due to this. Her mother finally took her off life support at age 4. During his incarceration, the subject was diagnosed with a brain tumor that had been growing in him since he was a teenager, and had it removed. After the removal, his urges seemed to subside for awhile. But after several months, he found himself masturbating in his prison cell to the same violent fantasies as before. Concerned the tumor came back, he went in for an emergency checkup. The doctors saw no return of the cancer, and no other neurological abnormalities in the brains function, and all chemical levels seemed to be balanced. Intrigued by this, I began doing background on the subject. He lived a normal childhood, in a normal middle class family. He was a a B average student all through school, had normal relationships and friendships with peoeple in his own age group, and had no sign of severe mental illness traits in either him or his family. Aside from his conviction and sexual urges, there was nothing in his environmental or physiological traits/background that would point to his reason for these desires other than the brain tumor. I discussed my subject with a neurologist who said the tumor could have changed the chemistry of the brain, but due to current scientific limitations, this isn't showing on any modern test. A sex therapist I went to for a professional opinion saaid that though the tumor caused the imbalance and urges to begin with, the reason she believes the urges continue is due to the fact that his sexuality was de-sensitized during his experience, and this is the only way he knows and is attracted to in order to orgasm. He does truly feel remorse for what he did, and most likely will not offend again if he can maintain the minimal self control he demonstrates by keeping his fantasies as fantasies and not trying to make them reality, while continuing therapy and treatment.

When asked what he thinks of during masturbation, he began recalling the case files he stole from his previous job: the man who tied his wife to a chair in the kitchen, then called their young 1 year old toddler in the room and began beating her while the mother was forced to watch. The mother/father team who beat, molested, and eventually began a full incest relationship (including a so-called marriage ceremony when one of the girls had her first period, and the father took the daughter into a pedophilic polygamous relationship- the girl was 11) all 4 of their children since before they could walk, and were not caught until the oldest child was in her mid-20s. The other mother/father rape team- a young woman (age 24) would masturbate while watching/video recording her husband (age 27) with their daughter (age 4) beating, slapping, pulling hair, choking, throwing, and twisting/locking her joints to the point of severe pain. They apparently also filmed several child rape videos with the child. I compared cases with another student in the class- her subject was found to be in a pedophilic incestuous relationship with his 7 year old daughter. He started with her when she was barely a newborn, performing oral on her, and masturbating/ejaculating on her. When she was 2, he sodomized her for the first time, and this activity continued until he was arrested. By the time she was 3, she was performing oral sex on him. When she was 7, he raped her vaginally. During school the next day, she went to the nurse with severe stomach pains. When the nurse was examining her, she noticed a large amount of spotted blood near the childs crotch area, and had the girl admitted to a hospital. That is when the sexual abuse was discovered, and the investigation began. When interviewed in prison, he showed no remorse, guilt, or shame in what he had done, claiming that he loves his daughter in the same way a man loves his wife, and believed he was showing acts of love whenever he touched or had intercourse with the child. His background is not unusual for someone who displays this type of behavior- rough childhood, parents who abused alcohol and drugs, physically abusive father who left the family for a stripper when subject was 9. His mother eventually abandoned him at age 15 on the street, since him living at home meant she couldn't afford her drug habit. He was in and out of jail as a teenager, and was raped at 13 by an older cell mate. The girl he was convicted of abusing was mothered by a prostitute the subject was dating, and has since improved her life as a healthy and happy young adult who runs support groups, and an inspirational speaker who specializes in abused women and children.

I am not here to pass judgement, support any viewpoint or suggestion, and am looking to remain completely neutral regarding any of this. I am mainly looking at it from a scientific point of view, and have a few curiosities on the subject.
Since my class, I have had the same questions mulling around my head, so I figured I would bring them to a board where I can find what seems to be a large variety of people (both those attracted to children, and otherwise):
1. How do you feel about the idea of a relationship with a child being sexual?
2. If you are sexually attracted to children, how do you define your attraction? Is it based out of power and control? Do you feel you are loving the child?
3. What is your take on offenders whose actions were less sexual and more violent? (IE, offenders who receive sexual satisfaction or fantasy out of watching women/children be hit, cry, or abused)
4. Do you have fantasies of violence, or love when it comes to children?
5. Are the children yours, or someone elses?
6. Do you have anything in your background that would influence your opinion? If so, what?
7. Do you feel modern day society has a large influence on your decision? Follow up question- how much sex and violence have you been exposed to throughout your life? (movies, magazines, games, books, interests, etc)

Thank you for reading my study, and any answers are appreciated.

Hi! My confession is more like an announcement or something lol I've been hiding it from everyone I know in my real life. So here it is...

I am a BBC obsessed white Sissy faggot! I truly wish that I could meet a Black King in real life who wouldn't take no for an answer! I want him to get me spun out of my mind and force me to get dressed up in the girliest, frilliest, pink outfits while him and several of his homies watch, laugh, and film it. I'd eagerly tell my King how much it means to me to please him. I want him to numb my brain with my vices and laugh as I watch sissy hypno videos for days until my mind has turned into pink play-dough for him to shape to his liking. I'd be the most obediant servant for My King and his friends, bringing food and drinks for them before offering them my body. I would be so far gone that I'd happily obey any order they gave me, whether it was sexual or something that made them laugh at me and my sissy ways. If it pleased My King or any Black person, I would be eager and grateful to obey. I confess that it would be liberating for him to make me expose my secret life. He'd stand over me, watching, as I changed all my social media pages, posting pictures of me in my new sissy clothes and messaging my friends and family to tell them personally. He'd laugh as I then messaged each of my ex-girlfriends, telling each one that the reason we each broke up was because I had always been a faggot sissy for Black Men. I'd then explain that they deserved better and how they owed it to themselves as white girls to give BBC a try. I assured them they would never go back to white boys like myself. My whole way of life would change if all this really happened. I'd burn all my boy clothes. Take makeup classes. Excercise to make my body as slim and girly as possible. I might even get a little cosmetic surgery, to feminize even more. I'd work on getting a bigger booty and learn to twerk and give lapdances. And every conversation I had with "normal" people would get turned onto the topic of how huge BBC is, how amazing the sex is, and how happy I am being a total faggot for My Black King. I'd tell every white girl I meet that they should get Blacked, giving them My Kings phone number as well as any of his friends numbers I had. And any time I met a slim, sub-looking, white boy I'd gush girlishly about how he'd make such a pretty sissy too, not stopping until he let me do his hair and makeup while I secretly asked My King to come over to "take a look" at how pretty my new sissy-sister turned out.

I also wish that the Black New World Order was a real movement. I want a BNWO chapter house in every town in America. I'd go there every week, like church, and make myself available to them. I'd even be the most active in outreach work. Maybe even a BNWO councilor, helping guide more white people into new roles within the BNWO. Giving therapy to the white husbands and fathers, helping them find happiness as the BNWO laid claim to their wives and daughters right in front of them. I'd especially enjoy hand picking the most feminine sons, using intense hypnosis to shape their minds until they were desperate to become as girly as possible. Just like me! Lmao

Seriously though, my main confession is how much I wish that this was all possible. For the world to AT LEAST be accepting enough that nobody would even have an unkind thought upon seeing a Black King leading a white sissy boy on a leash during their shopping spree at the mall. Maybe laugh a bit as the sissy squealed in excitement before begging his King for those sparkly pink heels. Like we already smile and shake our heads when we see young couples being gushy romantics at the park.